maredementis | [ic contact] seven devils all around me

You called me Niall, in the room with the guards. I don't know who he is, but I'm Alex. Remember, you found me in Strela? [God, there's something broken in her head. Worse than usual. He's not surprised that she's fucked up; he's still getting over it, too. But.] You found me and told me not to give up.

Edited 2012-08-01 05:51 (UTC)

He's my best friend.

[Or something like that. Her ghost, of himself and what she used to be.

Alex. She almost remembers and she wants to.]

I died.

[Remember, remember. She sounds like she's starting to cry.] I gave up. I died but they made me come back. I don't want to come back. It hurts and I want to die again. I give up.

Annie, we're here, on the ship. On the Tranquility. We're both alive. [Shit. He runs a hand through his hair, grunting in pain when he shifts.] You can't give up. You're not allowed either--remember when you said I wasn't allowed? Same here. You don't do that. Not after we've survived all this shit.

[Definitely crying.]

I want to go back. Take me back. It was so--it didn't hurt anymore, you don't understand. I'm sorry, but it didn't hurt anymore. I wasn't broken anymore. How can I do this again after that? I wasn't mad anymore, I wasn't--a problem or a mess and nobody needed to help me and--

Please. Please take me back.

... All of that was fake. You have to remember that, Annie. It was all fake. It was its own kind of madness. Even if it's painful, we can't just--we can't just do that so everything will just go away.

[He clenches his jaw, just thinking about that misery. That unemotional, unresponsive misery. He'd rather be insane than what they were. Frankly, he's glad he knows now. What this has done to her. He wishes she was alright, but it's better than never calling, never knowing until it's too late in the game...]

... I understand what it means. To wish everything that made you bad was wiped away, that you were a blank slate. Hell, I know what it's like to wish you were unborn. But it's not the way, Annie. It's not the way we can fix anything.

It only makes us run away. We'd never make amends. Never.

Edited 2012-08-01 10:01 (UTC)

I can't. They're all dead. All of them are dead because I killed them.

[Alex is very right to be concerned. Annie is always a risk to herself, but now even more than usual. Anything to get that peace back, wipe herself clean and just...not be, anymore.]

I'm alive because they're all dead and they won't leave me alone. They follow me all the time. But they were gone, they let me go--don't you see? That's how I was supposed to make it better. I was supposed to not be anymore.

[Her voice drops, and she almost hisses:] They came back. They came back and they keep looking at me.

Annie...

[He really doesn't want her to hurt herself. He really doesn't. He sweeps his hands over his hair, face downcast. Some of the following is full truth. Some is meager fibs. Some is both, maybe. He's not sure anymore. But he just talks, in any way that might keep her from hurting herself. If there's anything that could come from this talk, it'd be that, he hoped. Just that much...]

You're alive because people like me need people like you. You understand? We're supposed to help each other. If you weren't here, I might've given up.

[A pause.]

Maybe... I deserved to not be anyone, too. Maybe I should have died back there. Do you remember what I said? About my home?

[He really isn't sure what she remembers, at this point.]

[He might have given up.

And then she remembers. It flickers and surges in her, as broken as she is, a doll with cut strings shattered on the floor. Alex can't give up. Alex said he wasn't a good person, but he is. He tried to help her. He is Niall all over, who Niall should have grown up to be and never will, like if she'd died and he lived.]

Something bad happened.

Alex--Alex, I don't want you to give up.

I know. I know...

[He closes his eyes. She probably gets it. She'd understand wanting to be undone. He spills everything, praying it'll keep her grounded in the truth, even if it hurts. He just... talks. And it hurts to do it, but it's okay to tell her.]

It was my fault that people died, even if I didn't mean for it. Every fifty years, the founders in my town would kill one of their children; I was supposed to die, but I didn't. And it caused everything to spiral out of control.

[His voice is low and grave. This is important, Annie. This is what eats him up and makes him too much like you, wanting to curl up and never remember. For years, he tried not to remember any of it. Four long years of denial.]

Everyone was gone. Mom and dad, my brother, everyone. They all are gone because I lived. Do you understand? I wanted to give up, too. But that's not what my family would have wanted. It's not what some people here would want. That's why... shit, even if it hurts like hell, I don't want you to give up, either.

You don't have to be sane or perfect or any of that. Just stay alive, too... Because I don't think I can handle anymore people leaving me behind right now.

[and he's so, so tired of being left behind now]

Edited 2012-08-01 11:05 (UTC)

[It makes sense. Sacrifice makes sense. Every year we take two of your children to kill or ruin. Annie nods unseen, biting her nail.]

I understand.

I was...sixteen when the Capitol Reaped me. Every year they take two of us to fight in the Hunger Games. The boy my year was Niall. Niall Strand. He volunteered because his father made him. He was a good person.

The first day--a girl. Amethyst. She tried to kill me. And he saved my life, but he died. And that's when I went mad, I think.

The Arena flooded and I was the best swimmer, so I killed everyone that was left.

So I won. And Victor has to mentor. Every year they gave me someone and they always, always died, Alex. Last year his name was Kite.

[The one benefit of Strela is that it allows Annie to be this calm. It's all distant and before.]

I never get to save any of them. But I want to save you. [Now her voice does crack again.] I didn't give up on him and I won't--I won't give up. If you need me. I want to save--I wanted them all to come home so much. I won't give up. I promise.

[He nods, swallowing hard. He understands. It's so fucked up--her story, the situation, everything--but he understands. He should be more horrified that that's his reaction. But he's too tired to dwell on that. Just like he was too tired to dwell on the men in body suits that he killed.

... Regardless. Annie shouldn't have had to kill people. He feels like he's exempt, but he probably isn't. No one should have to take a life. His flaw was that he deserved to suffer for what he'd done to his brother. Maybe he could tell himself the town wasn't his fault, that their demise was imminent. But not his little brother. Not the person he was supposed to protect.

Brothers are supposed to protect their siblings, no matter what.

The thought makes him sad, and he blinks away the sting of tears.]

.... Thanks.

I'll keep trying. It's hard sometimes, but I will.

[He's starting to build reasons to live. Slowly but surely. It's a drastic turn for the man who was curled up in his room for days, lighting old memories on fire, forgetting food and opting to sleep far too long into the day. Even if it's not for himself, he's still finding reasons to get up and leave his room.

Now he just needs to regain his strength to do just that.]

We probably can't do as much as we wish we could, but... we have to try to save whatever we can and keep ourselves going. To... make up for the past.

[Annie is so relieved. Alex understands, doesn't question. She knows talking about the Games is wrong here, it upsets people, but Alex deserves to know--and just maybe she deserves to own her pain. Her guilt.]

I just wanted them all to go home.

[Haymitch drinks. Johanna got hard. Finnick laughs. But Annie had never gotten jaded and that's why everyone thinks of her as the more damaged Victor--she can't let them go. Can't ever whisper lies about the Bloodbath and kill them quick, although with beautiful fifteen-year-old Fiona she had almost done that. But she always says: stay alive. Stay alive. I'll find you sponsors if you just please, please stay alive.

Kite let the District 3 boy kill him and it nearly killed Annie to see the peaceful calm that went over his face, like: yes. You. I'll save you for now.

Annie sent District 3 money last year and Cato broke Raydar's neck anyway.]

We can go home. All of us. Let's go home.

[Heh. He runs his hand across his face, frowning.

Annie, he didn't have a home. Not anymore.

But everyone here who had one deserved to find theirs again.]

Yeah... I want you to be able to go home, Annie.

I want everyone here to be able to go home.

[ic contact] seven devils all around me

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